59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30
(so says Esquire magazine)

Don’t worry, it’s mostly laughable

It seems Esquire magazine has nothing better to do than to come up with a list of “59 Things A Man Should Never Do Past 30″ in an attempt, I am guessing, to fill space in its pages.

Well, in filling space in the magazine, whoever spent the time dreaming up the list, they did get some things right, but other things are down the tubes. Do I say that because I am over 30? Not really, because most of the stuff I don’t do. It’s just that it seems the person who created the list must have been inspired by something like, “90 Things to Avoid In Men,” or some such book.

I’ve posted the list below, along with a link to the original posting on MSN. The original material is in red, while my comments are in black. 

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30

Illustration by Dan Santat

 

1. Coin his own nickname.
‘Nuff said?

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
While in the Army, in my fatigues, I didn’t carry my leather wallet while on maneuvers. The wallet I purchased at the PX had Velcro. Then again, I wasn’t even 20 at that point. I will let the Great Minds of the world ponder this issue.

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
I this one of those things that I never did understand this, even in my younger days.

4. Hacky sack.
WTF?

5. Name his ”unit” his name plus junior.
I never did understand this, even in my younger days.

6. Hang art with tape.
This is a valid point.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
I think the original is hanging in an appropriate place. Don’t mess with copies of it. Please. As far as other works of art, pay attention to the main point: leave the tape in the drawer, get a proper frame, and learn to hang works of art, even if only copies, the proper way.

8. Ask a policeman, “You ever shoot anybody with that thing?”
Don’t ask anyone with a weapon that stupid question. Regardless of age.

9. Ask a woman, “Hey, you got a license for that ass?”
Is this something hip with young people today? I never heard that back in my day. To me, well, this sounds just plain rude — or an insult.

10. Skip.
If they are talking about a guy walking outside who just starts skipping his merry way to work, well, okay. Otherwise, it’s the context. My children were still young when I was in my early-to-mid 30s, and yes, I skipped while playing with them. Pfft.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.
Are spycams okay? :)

12. Let his father do his taxes.
No one, especially my father, has ever prepared my taxes. I’ve personally tended to that matter each year since I was a teenager.

13. Tap on the glass.
Why not?

14. Shout out a response to “Are you ready to rock?”
Good point.

15. Use the word collated on his resume.
So a professional printer who knows how to run the web press, as well as the automatic collator, shouldn’t list this? This is one of those points where someone is thinking from their, “I’m too good to mingle with the common folks” mentality.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
I guess this would be for a guy who is not married, not in a committed relationship, who does not have children, and who lives with a bunch of wannabe frat friends, huh?

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
Excellent. Then again, no one should ever do this, regardless of age.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as “the 411″ for information, or “the 313″ for Detroit.
I do this kind of stuff, chiefly with my children. It freaks them out to know I can talk (or is that tawk?) street, as well as understand it.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.
Why not? Don’t you love your friendly, neighborhood furries?

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
I guess guys also should not wear pink shirts. Well, if they are gay, along this line of thinking, it would be acceptable, right? I’ve known execs, who were not part of the Magical Kingdom’s enterprises, who wore Disney-themed ties. They said the ties were: power attire. Judging from their marked degrees of success, I will accept their word.

23. Wake up to a “morning zoo.”
I have no idea what they mean by not waking up to a “morning zoo,” so I think it best to not even consider this. Ever.

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.”

25. Request extra sprinkles.
If they bring you dessert with only a small dab of sprinkles, feel free to ask for more. Sheesh.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
If you don’t rip an Oreo apart, lick the cream filling off the one side, and then dunk the outer chocolate pieces, just how are you supposed to eat an Oreo?

29. Volunteer to be a magician’s assistant.
I would like to see a gal over 30 volunteer for this — if I get to ask the questions.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.
I can just here the Esquire writer who penned this witty point, whining aloud (see #39): But mom! It’s so hard to re-make the bed after you make me change the sheets after three months.

31. End a conversation with “later skater.”

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, “What’s up, you whore?”
Not that I use the term, but isn’t it: Wad up, ho?

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
So folks who have valid reasons, including medical reasons, for not slipping their feet into wingtips or other “appropriate” footwear should feel … out of place?

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call “shotgun” before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else’s call of “shotgun.”

39. Whine.
See number 30 on this list.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”

41. Purchase fireworks.
So folks living in states where it’s legal to possess fireworks, who are over 30, shouldn’t have fun? Those folks living in NYC’s ritzy ‘hoods must have no sense of how to have fun. Sheesh. Sure, I don’t play with fireworks, let along purchase fireworks these days, but I used to when my children were younger. I also set off the fireworks. Would it be horrible if I admit I actually enjoyed it, as well?

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.
Midgets are exempt. All others: get a horse.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.
If you don’t know any better by then, well, go for it. You just might learn one day.

46. Organize a party bus.
Leave that for the senior citizens who ride to the casinos and other bashes.

47. Say “two points” every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, “Wish you were here” on it.
If you go somewhere that sells those types of postcards and find one with a woman who’s really buxom, meaning she’s at least a C cup, and they are “real,” send me one! Oh, if she’s like a G cup or bigger, keep the card for yourself. There really is such a thing as too much of a good thing!

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars’ worth of gas in the tank.
Now, the exception would be if you borrowed your friend’s pickup or SUV to move something, and on your way back to return it, fill up the tank. If it’s only $5 worth of gasoline, so be it. Folks in NYC just seem to have these end-all-be-all rules. How boring.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend’s breasts as “the twins.”
How about “the girls” — would that be better? Or would you prefer the clinical ”breasts” or “mammary gland(s)” for ever mention?

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, “Peace out.”

Source: 59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30 - MSN Lifestyle: Men

As I said from the beginning, the magazine was looking to fill the space on its pages, not really looking at compiling a comprehensive list of real-world things a man over 30 should avoid doing. If I were to compile such a list, the item making the top of my list would be:
          Never consider Speedo anything. Ever.

Past that, I have no idea, because wouldn’t sit down long enough to compile such a list. As for Esquire, I am glad they have the money to pay someone to do such nonsensical work. It’s no wonder I’ve never so much as flipped open the cover of the magazine, let alone pay attention to even the cover once I saw the word, “Esquire” at the top.