Scoop’s Views

<Sniffle, sniffle> I’m sorry, Mr. judgeship your majesty, but see, life has been real bad since I robbed the bank. Please be nice to me and don’t send me to prison. <Sniffle, sniffle> Please.

In my mind, that’s the kind of thing I could hear 19-year-old Heather Johnson saying to the judge earlier today when she pleaded guilty to theft and marijuana possession charges stemming from a bank robbery.

Since robbing a bank, from what I’ve always seen in courtrooms, was handled as a federal felony, I am trying to figure out, but not too hard, as I really don’t care — so long as the perpetrator sits behind bars — why this is being slapped as “theft,” which is a different charge.

The poor little blond admitted to Cobb County Superior Court Judge Mary Staley that she stole nearly $10,000 from the Bank of America in Acworth, Georgia, one of Atlanta’s suburbs.

In formally admitting to her crime before the judge, little Miss Heather Johnson said she was sorry for her role in the bank robbery, adding that had she not been arrested, by now she likely would have been “dead or just not good off.” What is “just not good off?” Sounds like she needs to go back to grade school to learn to speak and read, then continue through high school and finish. Oh, wait! She already had that chance. Pfft.

From the sounds of the courtroom apology, she may be the bandit that “broke” early and cut a deal. Sorry, but I just didn’t follow this case. Yes, it is horrible that two young women committed such an act, but there should be no “deal” cut to give little Heather Johnson a “get out of jail free” or “get out of jail early” pass.

In addressing Judge Staley, Johnson said:

I do regret what I did. I wish I could take it back every day. I can’t take it back, but it has turned my life around in so many ways.

Oh, I bet this incident has turned her life around in “so many ways.” Let’s see, she probably will not get a good-paying legitimate job for a very long time. She probably doesn’t have much education. Before their bank heist, Heather Johnson and Ashley Miller both worked at an Atlanta-area strip club. Yeah, that’s a place that requires a lot of skill. From the looks of her booking photo, I can’t see why anyone would have paid to see her strip. Then again, I guess the people that visit strip joints are hard up, anyway, so you take what you can get. Maybe those strip clubs are always dark (that isn’t something just made up for TV and movies, is it?) because the girls aren’t dazzling beauties to begin with, but perhaps some are. I have no idea. I really don’t care, either.

Heather Johnson, Ashley Miller, and their cohort, 22-year-old Herman Allen III, all committed a crime against society. In fact, the bank’s surveillance camera, shows Johnson and Miller, called the “Barbie Bandits” because they were “young women” who were laughing and wearing “fashionable sunglasses.” Is this the new profile for bank robbers — young, female, wearing “fashionable sunglasses”? I can here it now, “One-Adam-12, One-Adam-12, respond to Barbie Bandit robbers at 123 Main Street inside Wanna Bea Bank. The robbers are apparently young women, giggling, and wearing glasses. Be advised, they are standing in line and have not yet begun their robbery.”

So, why were these two wearing the “fashionable” sunglasses in the bank? As part of a disguise? Perhaps the sunglasses were to hide their bloodshot eyes from smoking too much pot?

The bank surveillance video shows the pair handing a note to the teller, telling her they were there to rob the bank. Were they too busy giggling to be able to say, “Yo, waddup? Dis a stickup, chickie. Put all da money in dis bag. <Giggle, giggle>.”

Back to Mr. Herman Allan III, stop and think of his name for a second. Don’t you just love that “the third” tacked onto his name? I wonder if he was named in honor of “Thurston Howell III” of Gilligan’s Island fame. Yes, I love poking fun at people who want to be total jackasses in society.

According to investigators, Johnson and Miller, the strippers, had plans to split the money with two other co-defendants. Mr. Herman Allen III is but one of those co-defendants. In fact, Mr. Herman Allen III, was the inside man in the job. He was the bank teller who accepted the note from the Barbie Bandits and handed over the money. Did he really think he would get away with it? It must have been that “the third” tacked onto his name that gave him such brains.

According to various reports in the news, Cobb County Superior Court Judge Mary Staley decided to put off sentencing Johnston until her co-defendants’ cases are all resolved. I guess, since little Miss Muffit, oops, little Miss Heather Johnson, the goody-two-shoes girl, apologized, she wants to make sure she doesn’t give Heather more time in the pokey than her partners-in-crime get.

In the end, telling the judge you are sorry for being a bad girl does not get you off the hook in the big people world. No, not this time. If it does, Atlanta, then the rest of the country, is in sad shape. Heather Johnson, Ashley Miller, Herman Allen III, and the other person involved all need to serve some serious time behind bars. Making big rocks into little rocks, little rocks into pebbles, and pebbles into sand. For many years.

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